All About MSB (Break-in; Completely True)

(MSB is a friend of mine. He tells a lot of stories and they're all really true and usually really funny. I'm not ever going to mention his real name unless given the permission to do so. His stories will seem fake, but they are completely true. So, this starts off the first of his stories.)

This didn’t actually happen in my life. It happened to my brothers. My parents were divorced so at this time in my life I’m a sophomore in college. So my mom lives in this house in the middle of the woods and my brothers lived with her. My dad lived up in ----. The house in out I the middle of nowhere. So, the story is about someone breaking into this home… which in its own way is a little crazy cause it’s out in the middle of nowhere. So, it’s nine or so in the morning on a Saturday. I’m in school, my mom is grocery shopping, and my twin brothers (who at this time are seventeen) are up in their bedrooms at the house.

So they hear a knock at the door and they don’t do a thing. They assume that my mom’s going to answer it because they don’t know that she’s gone. The knock gets louder and a bit more forceful. The guys are thinking ‘Hey, what the heck is going on here?’ Then they hear a woman’s voice yelling from outside the door. So she knocks and she goes, “HELP! I NEED HELP!” Well, she’s more like screaming than yelling. And these jerk brothers of mine don’t do a darn thing to help this individual.

So this lady needs to be inside this house apparently. So she’s at the front door. Right beside her is a garden kind of area in front of these giant windows. So she takes a brick from the garden and launches it through the windows. The thing completely shatters. So my brothers are thinking ‘What in God’s name is going on?’ One of them runs into the other one’s room and they call 9-1-1 saying, “Someone just broke into our house.” So the rest of this happens in like a seven-ish minute window. It all goes by pretty fast.

So this lady throws a brick through the window. And as you know when you throw a brick through a window it causes a hole the size of a brick. Alright, not the size of a person. So she sticks on of her arms in the window and just kind of swipes it to the left, slashing down the glass. She does the same with the right arm and she eventually gets her feet in. And now she’s in. She is inside our home and she’s also bleeding head-to-toe. She cut herself about eighty million times doing that little move. Now, let me tell you a bit about her. She is on everything imaginable. She’s high, she’s drugged up, she’s alcoholed up, she’s only twenty-something. She’s just a loony person who has no idea where she’s at.  She’s just so gone….

Okay, so, brothers are in the room calling 9-1-1 and she is in the house bleeding all over the place. And, I don’t know if you guys have a home like this, we had a home with a living room that was really fancy. White room, white walls, white couches, fancy fireplace. Like, no one was allowed to go in there unless the queen showed up one day. So she starts walking around. She’s like, yelling and screaming obscenities and all kinds of weird crap. And then she starts to walk up the stairs. She walks down the hallway and she sees the door that’s shut and locked. So she starts yelling let me in, let me in, ya know. Then she yells, “I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” Dang it. Not today. I mean really? Really? Of all days. It’s a Saturday, I mean.. no homework… c’mon…

So they actually call the police back. I’m not sure how the conversation went, but it was probably like, “Hey, update: she doesn’t have presents or anything. She’s not very nice… she’s mean.” So she goes back down into the kitchen and she banging drawers and clanging things together. And making a whole bunch of noise from the kitchen. So, apparently she’s looking for her weapon of choice. And she found it. If you were in a kitchen going to take it out on a couple seventeen-year-olds, you would take up what? A kitchen knife, pretty sizable kitchen knife. She decides to take up a pair of dull scissors. She’s going to kill my brothers… with a pair of scissors.

So, she’s got this pair of dull scissors and starts back up the stairs. Then she begins to stab the door… with a pair of dull scissors…. This is going to be the way she breaks in. My brothers said this part was super scary. She starts getting tired, like wheezing, “I’m gonna kill you..” she’s just stabbing the door, making little dents. Making small slivers. And they told me that they were trying to look at her. Like open the door a crack. “What are you doing? Wanna talk about it? No? okay.” So she’s like doing this for maybe three minutes. Then, funny part is followed by scary part.

It goes from that to just silence. So she does that… then just nothing. So my brothers are like “Okay woah… what just happened?” They said that the whole thing was scary, but they knew where she was. Like she was in the kitchen, she was in the living room, in the hall. They always knew where she was. Now it’s just silence and they have no idea where this woman has gone. Is she just gonna ninja kick through the window or something? Who knows. So another minute or so goes by and suddenly, they hear the shreek of hell. Like, blood-curdling, agonizing scream from down the hall. So they’re thinking ‘what the heck?’ again and a few minutes later they hear a BOOM BOOM BOOM up the stairs. The police are there.

So the policemen just kinda lead them out of the room. And the also escort them outside, trying to get them somewhere safe. So they walk down this hallway and by the bathroom, where they look inside. That’s where the screech from hell came from. So they look in, and there’s just blood everywhere. All over the sink area, on the floor, up the walls and ceiling… just everywhere. And one of my brothers said, “What happened in there?!” Ya know. And the policeman tells them, as they’re walking out, that they found her, the crazy lady, naked in the bath tub stabbing herself with the scissors. Isn’t that super exciting?

So they take care of her, get and ambulence and everything. She’s alive and was dealt with. Then my mom comes into the story. Now my mom is a tough cookie, but a super awesome person too. So, she shows up as there’s seven cop cars in our driveway. So my brothers are in the front lawn, talking to some of these dudes when my mom shows up. She’s home from the grocery store. So instead of running to her children, she goes into the backseat and gets a couple of bags. She takes the bags, walks up to them, set down the bags, then said, “WHAT’D THEY DO?!”  And she wants to know what they did. Because clearly, they did something wrong and the police are here to solve it.

“Umm.. no ma’am.” They walk a ways away. “A woman came in and she did this and this…” And they kinda told her the story of what happened. And after he finished telling her, she turned around and said, “OHH MY BABIES!! OH NOOOO~!” Just now she breaks down into mom mode. Hugging them, and kissing them, ya know.

So, this happened on a Saturday… Tuesday, I get a phone call. My ma calls me and she sounds like the proudest mom in the world. She’s like screaming on the phone. I’m like “Hey mom, whatsup?” “YOU’RE BROTHERS WERE IN THE NEWSPAPER!!!” and I’m like, “Cool. Was it like sports, or something in school? Some good deed? Fill me in, this is exciting.” She goes, “Oh no. no. Saturday… some lady broke in and almost killed them. Like, wanted to kill your brothers.” I’m like “……” And she’s telling me the story all nonchalantly! And I’m just freaking out. So that's the story of how I found out my brothers were gonna get jacked by some crazy lady.