All About MSB (Animals; Completely True)

(MSB is a friend of mine. He tells a lot of stories and they're all really true and usually really funny. I'm not ever going to mention his real name unless given the permission to do so. His stories will seem fake, but they are completely true. So, this starts off the first of his stories.)

When I was seven I liked chameleons. So my dad got me some. I liked them, I thought they were cool. So my dad and I would go out and get crickets to feed the chameleons. And my dad would kinda teach me how many crickets would go in and so I got to feed them. Great! They got to be in my room, ya know. So we buy a bunch of crickets and I’ve earned my dad’s trust the with chameleons, ya know. Kay? So I’m super excited! So here’s my bag of crickets, in go the crickets, and off to school. I get home, then I get all teary-eyed… the crickets killed the chameleons!!! I put in… you’re only supposed to put in a couple… I put in, like, two bags!!! Thinking like, ‘oh, there’s two bags here, why don’t I just put them in?’ And it’s so gross and sad. It’s like they ate the skin of the chameleons. So now I have two dead chameleons and… bounce… crap all over. The crickets were just, like, celebrating. They’ve over-thrown the Roman Empire.

That’s not even the worst one. Kay, have I told you the break-in story already? Alright, so I really do have the coolest mom in the world. But my mom has a little evil to her. We used to have gerbils at our house. So my brothers and I each have a gerbil. So three gerbils in the house. So we decided to build it a city, so we have gerbil tunnels all over the place. And so we decide we either need three dude gerbils or three chick gerbils because we don’t need 85 gerbils. Well, the vet was wrong, so eventually we have around 30, honest-to-god gerbils in our house. There was easily over 50, but they’re having babies left and right. So we have 15-20 gerbils running around and we come home from school one day and I’ll be darned if we don’t have, like, four gerbils. It went from 20 to four. I’m like “what in god’s name happened to the family of gerbils.” Here’s what my mom tried to tell us back then, “I was trying to clean. I was… I was vacuuming and stuff and the gerbils were out, they got out somehow.” And of course we believe our mom and she’s probably telling the truth, but gerbils don’t just pop out of cages or anything. And she goes, “Gerbils are fast kids! I couldn’t tell where they were going!” I’m thinking ‘Okay, get to the point mom.’ Then she goes, “So… I vacuumed up some of the gerbils.” NO! What she means is, she either killed the gerbils because she’s super-mean-mom or, god help her soul, if she honest-to-god intentionally vacuumed up the gerbils. I hope she, like, let them free. That’s in my head, where I’m at.

Like when your dog goes to the farm. Ya know, I was told the dog went to the farm when I was seven. Didn’t hit me til I was, like, 22. Like, “Holy sh—No, No! Wait a second, my dogs not at the farm, is he?”

But point of the story is, my mom is a gerbil murderer!